If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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