I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
