I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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