my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You can't just leave with hair like that
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Shame - the story of my life.
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