Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
