Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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