my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
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I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
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They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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