I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
