You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
