i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
