first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
