Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
