maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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