If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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