Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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