just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
