I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
