I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
not ubering you a puppy
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