Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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