The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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