Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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