Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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