john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
