My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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