I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
