tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
