If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
