i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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