YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
