Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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