Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
