i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
