It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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