so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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