youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
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I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
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After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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