I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
