HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
