He kissed a someone with a penis
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sext me about skeletons
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
