every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
