I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
