All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
