Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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