I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
