1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
