It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
