Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
