you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Send help, water and tortillas.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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