If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
