I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
