you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
