I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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