I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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