I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
