I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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