oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
