Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
