I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
