Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
